Excited to start LIVNG again!

So early this week in counseling, I learned a lot of things. How much this eating disorder has taken over my life. I never realized how much it was stealing from me.

My therapist drew a circle and asked me to divide it up into sections that define who I am. The first thing I thought of was food and running which fits into the category of "healthy" lifestyle. After that I was kind of stumped. It was the only thing I could think of. That is who I am.

Then I though of school and relationships (friends/family). I was embarrassed to draw a line down the middle and dedicate half of myself to the "healthy" lifestyle. If I was being completely honest I would have made it more like 70% of the circle. I'm using quotes around healthy because that is my idea of what is healthy. But in reality, I know my obsession with being healthy is not healthy. It takes up so much of who I am.

She handed me a new circle and told me to draw the ideal me or who I want to be. This time I divided it into three equal sections. I thought I was done. Then she asked me: what about hobbies? I thought for a second that I really don't have any hobbies. Then I remembered. I used to LOVE photography. And I also loved to bake. And play guitar. But I lost interest for that. When? In the middle of senior year. When  my eating disorder started. A lightbulb went off! It all makes sense now! Once my ED started, my passions were pushed out of my life because I was so consumed with the thought of eating.

I am now going to break out my fancy camera and start taking pictures again. I am SO excited to do this because I remember how much fun it used to be. Starting January 1st I'm going to take one picture everyday as a 365 photo challenge. I think it will help me a lot. I'm ready to get my life back!

"The Picture"

Here is the picture of me at my heaviest. The picture that will always be in the back of my mind. I was seriously depressed too. I felt ugly and fat.

(I'm the one on the right)

I'm still alive!

Hello, I completely forgot about this blog. I think I'm going to try to start writing in this more often. I'm at school right now and so many things have been going on. Here's a brief update for you! Just a little not very detailed rant for now. I'll post a more focused one later.

I moved into my dorm in late August. It's TINY! My roommate and I got along fine in the beginning. I was still in that nicey-nice phase where I was trying to make as many friends as I could and seem outgoing and fun (which is so not me). I missed home and my family a lot and cried often. I was having binge eating episodes (that were small compared to now) about once or twice a week. Mostly goldfish, candy bars, and other junk food. and then restricting the next day. And by restricting I mean not eating. Anything. I would say to myself "If you let anything go into your mouth other than water then you are a fat failure" I decided to go to the counseling center on campus the third week of school. I met with a therapist the following week and she pretty much told me that I was going to die of a heart attack or faint in the street if I didn't recover right away. I didn't completely believe her but she scared me so much. I cried though most of the session. I hated her. She pressured me into making an appointment to see her the next week. I later called and canceled. She emailed me saying she was worried and I didn't believe her so I deleted it. Then things were getting worse and the binge episodes were getting bigger but I couldn't make myself restrict the next day so I was actually binging everyday and crying everyday because of the guilt and physical sickness and pain. In mid November my mom told me I needed to go back to the therapist so I did. I liked her better this time and was able to open up. She said that I would need higher care- didn't believe her. I met with her for the third time yesterday and it went even better. I feel more like we are friends now and I can talk to her about anything. A lot of the things she says still seem like bullshit to me though. She always says "you think I'm full of it don't you?" and I say "yep!". Also, when I am looking away or have a certain look on my face she says "are you listening to me or thinking about food?" I think that's funny because it's so true that I'm thinking about food! It IS all I think about. Today I had a phone interview with Renfrew to see what kind of treatment I may need and they said I would need day treatment. 5 days a week from around 9-5 for 4-6 weeks. 2 meals and group therapy all day. Um...no thank you! I'm so conflicted. I want to get better and stop obsessing about food but I DO NOT want to be forced to eat a ton of gross food and be in group therapy. I honestly don't think I am sick enough for that. And I don't want to miss school or spend my winter break in treatment. Ew.

My Daily Wake-Up Smoothie

Hello!

Lately I have been trying to enjoy the summer as much as possible. I cannot believe that it is coming to an end and I will be going off to college in just a week!

Since I'm obviously obsessed with food, what better way to savor the summer than make a fruit smoothie? Every. Morning.

I usually have it along side a poached egg on toast or english muffin!

Ok so, that looks totally gross. I should start taking better pictures from my camera instead of iPhone. That's my new goal!


Blender, stove, and toaster. I will miss you when I am in my dorm eating cereal and microwaving oatmeal. (Don't get me wrong- I love oatmeal. But it just tastes better on the stove!)

Hey- cereals not that bad either! Shredded wheat with blueberries. I have a feeling I won't have blueberries though. Poor college girl on board.


Here's my smoothie recipe that you can make for yourself. It's a perfect mix of caffein, protein, vitamins, and tastes delicious. Enjoy the last few weeks of summer!

Makes one big glass or two small glasses

Ingredients:
1 cup green tea
1 peach
small handful of blueberries
small handful of strawberries
2 heaping tablespoons of plain greek yogurt
small handful of ice

Directions:
Brew some green tea the night before and put it in the fridge so it's cold in the morning. You may use bottled kind if you would rather. Add chopped fruit and berries (I used frozen berries I picked in spring- I have a lot!). Put the yogurt in for extra creaminess and protein. Add ice cubes. Blend and enjoy!

Birthday Cake

Hello! This week I had my appointment with the nutritionalist. I was dreading going and I left feeling pretty upset. She gave me a list of foods and told me how many servings to eat a day. She put an emphasis on carbs and also said that I should treat myself to junk food a few times a week.

The reason I am so confused and frustrated is because I eat more than most people. My sister and mom at least. (My sister only eats one meal a day.) An example is that today is my sisters birthday and we had a big chocolate cake. I devoured my slice faster than my other family members and ate the entire thing (I could have had another slice!) But my sister and mom didn't even finish theirs because they said it was "too chocolaty". Whaaat?

Things like this happen every day and they make me feel like complete shit. I get SO angry with them and myself and I shouldn't! There is really no reason for me to be that upset about it. I constantly am comparing myself to everyone and their eating habits. I am obsessed with food and admitting on this blog that I need help.

What is healthy?

Yesterday I went to the doctor again to find out the reason why I haven't gotten my period since January. My mom made me go and sat in the doctor's office with me. I knew the reason was because I lost weight but I didn't want to admit it to her. When the nurse took my height and weight I was very embarrassed and ashamed. 5'7" and 97 pounds. It was a big shock for me and my mom looked like she was going to cry. So now I am on birth control for estrogen and have an appointment with a nutritionalist scheduled for next month to see how I can gain weight.

Here I am at the beach about a year and a half ago. At this point, I was involved in swimming and did little workouts out of 17 magazine. I was uncomfortable with my body even though I was considered "healthy". I ate lot's of junk food. Big portions of it. Till I felt sick.

Here I am right now. "Underweight". 

How did I get like this? Lots of things contributed to it.

First of all, in September I decided I wanted to try to run a 5k race that was on Thanksgiving. I trained with my best friend at the gym and outside. We would run and encourage each other. I got in the best shape and was so happy with myself. I ran the race with my cousins, didn't have to stop to walk at all, and got an awesome time! I was so proud of what I accomplished. At this time, I really enjoyed baking and would make goodies all the time and eat way too much but I didn't feel too guilty about it because I was in such good shape.

In late December I went to Florida and purchased a Whole Living magazine at the airport. I have never been an organic tree hugging natural type person but I figured it would be fun to read about natural food because I do love any type of food! There was a new years resolution mind and body month challenge that looked really difficult to keep up with. No gluten, eggs, dairy, sugar, caffeine, peanuts for the first week and then they were gradually added in. Basically it was eating whole natural food that would detoxify your body and clean out all the toxins. I was on board! I thought it would be so cool to flush my body out and have a clean start.

So, with the support of my family I started the plan and ate really well. My mom did it with me for the first 2 days but then couldn't take it anymore. I kept with it the whole time because I was disciplined and...obsessed. I was so hungry but thought that was a good thing. Just eating a piece of fruit for breakfast and lunch and salad for dinner.

After that was over, I still stayed away from processed foods and treats, scrutinizing the ingredients list.

In the spring, I worked two jobs. In a warehouse and salon where I stood, shampooed, and lifted boxes the entire time. And of course I had school too. I would sometimes forget lunch (on purpose sometimes) and go the whole day from 7 AM till 10 PM without food. I got really used to being hungry.

So here I am now. Really confused. I don't know if I have an eating disorder or I'm just being healthy. I don't know what healthy is anymore. I read magazines and they all talk about cutting calories and exercising to lose weight. I really think that they need to find a way to reach out to ALL readers. Including underweight people. Because honestly, the majority of people who buy all the fitness magazines and people who are obsessed with it like me. 

My Introduction

Hello! I have decided to attempt this blogging thing again. Here's a little bit about me in case you haven't read my profile. My name is Sara and I'm 18 years old. I just graduated high school in a class of about 150 students. I'm very happy that part of my life is over because high school was not a good experience for me. Right now, I work at a hair salon and am enjoying my summer vacation. I will be going to Temple University to study business in the fall and am very excited/nervous! I am interested in food and fitness and hope to blog about that and share any other random thoughts. Thank you for stopping by to read this!

My sister and I before graduation

My friend Sam

My friend Joselyne