I'm still alive!

Hello, I completely forgot about this blog. I think I'm going to try to start writing in this more often. I'm at school right now and so many things have been going on. Here's a brief update for you! Just a little not very detailed rant for now. I'll post a more focused one later.

I moved into my dorm in late August. It's TINY! My roommate and I got along fine in the beginning. I was still in that nicey-nice phase where I was trying to make as many friends as I could and seem outgoing and fun (which is so not me). I missed home and my family a lot and cried often. I was having binge eating episodes (that were small compared to now) about once or twice a week. Mostly goldfish, candy bars, and other junk food. and then restricting the next day. And by restricting I mean not eating. Anything. I would say to myself "If you let anything go into your mouth other than water then you are a fat failure" I decided to go to the counseling center on campus the third week of school. I met with a therapist the following week and she pretty much told me that I was going to die of a heart attack or faint in the street if I didn't recover right away. I didn't completely believe her but she scared me so much. I cried though most of the session. I hated her. She pressured me into making an appointment to see her the next week. I later called and canceled. She emailed me saying she was worried and I didn't believe her so I deleted it. Then things were getting worse and the binge episodes were getting bigger but I couldn't make myself restrict the next day so I was actually binging everyday and crying everyday because of the guilt and physical sickness and pain. In mid November my mom told me I needed to go back to the therapist so I did. I liked her better this time and was able to open up. She said that I would need higher care- didn't believe her. I met with her for the third time yesterday and it went even better. I feel more like we are friends now and I can talk to her about anything. A lot of the things she says still seem like bullshit to me though. She always says "you think I'm full of it don't you?" and I say "yep!". Also, when I am looking away or have a certain look on my face she says "are you listening to me or thinking about food?" I think that's funny because it's so true that I'm thinking about food! It IS all I think about. Today I had a phone interview with Renfrew to see what kind of treatment I may need and they said I would need day treatment. 5 days a week from around 9-5 for 4-6 weeks. 2 meals and group therapy all day. Um...no thank you! I'm so conflicted. I want to get better and stop obsessing about food but I DO NOT want to be forced to eat a ton of gross food and be in group therapy. I honestly don't think I am sick enough for that. And I don't want to miss school or spend my winter break in treatment. Ew.